for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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