He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
