When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
