I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
