Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
