Since when is my name a synonym for head?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
