i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
