I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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