Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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