Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
