I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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