I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
