He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
