you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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