why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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