No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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