just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
