what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
