He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
