I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
