and next time when you feel me up, do it right
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
