Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
