if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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