our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
