Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
