So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
