the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
