take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
