Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
My ass is underappreciated
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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