spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
he fucked my hip out of place.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Randomize
