Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
