i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
