he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
