god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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