yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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