you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
