It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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