We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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