So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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