The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
