Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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