We won't sleep together?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
