Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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