Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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