just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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