I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
