i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
