I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Randomize
