How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
