I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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